>Rambo at Work

>More ideas inspired by JOLTED!

Have you ever wanted to be Rambo or Rambette?

Wouldn’t it be fun to hide out in the bushes and shoot big guns at bad cops who shouldn’t have messed with you? Well, you too can be a Rambo/ette -- and you don’t even have to leave the city or the safety of your cubicle! That’s what I learned from researching survival techniques in my latest book (which takes place at a survival school called Jerry Potts Academy of Higher Learning and Survival).

You could, just for the fun of it, build a deadfall trap at work. The key is finding the best location to dig your trap. You need a place where people gather in unsuspecting herds. The pop machine? The water cooler? The boss’s door to tell her how great her hair looks? Choose one spot and stay late after work. Cut a large square in the floor (an electric saw would be handy) and place a net below it. Cover the hole with carpet, then wait. Stay up all night if you must, and watch the trap (camouflage face paint is optional). You can spend the time fishing in the fish tank. At some point (be patient) someone will step into your trap -- maybe even your boss. You can rush to the edge and shout, “Aha! See, I can be creative! I can think outside of the box! Do I get that raise?” And if someone reacts negatively to your creative survivalism, just tell them they’re part of a reality show. People always act their best when they think they’re on a reality show. Deadfall traps are only one of many survival techniques that will come in handy at work.

Another good idea is to identify which office plants are edible. (The rubber ones are not, but you can cut the cactus open and drink the juice.) Knowing which plants are edible could get you through those long meetings.

It’s also good to know how to defend yourself against sharks (it’s unlikely you will encounter them on the job, unless your last name is Cousteau or you work for a James Bond villain). The best defence if you find yourself in a giant aquarium and a shark is coming towards you is to punch it directly on the nose or to kick in a circular motion and connect with its gills. That will deter it. Good luck with that. If you survive, write me a note. I’d love to use that scene in a book someday.

Art

>Classroom/Review/Blog

>I did my first school visit of the year. Two 115 minute presentations back to back at Marc Garneau Collegiate Institute in Toronto. And you know what? They turned out fine. Well prepared classes, enthusiatic librarians, and a lockdown.

Lockdown? Oh, yeah, it was part way through my first presentation. A practice lockdown. I had been warned beforehand that it was coming. I assumed they do it every time an author presents. It keeps us on our toes! Actually, it was at the perfect time. Everyone needed a little break (my jokes were getting moldy). And afterward we just continued on with the presentation.

Was also given a booklet called A sudden asunder. Poetry by the students of Marc Garneau. I read it and was impressed by the quality. There are a lot of good, young writers out there.

Oh, hey, there's a nice review of Jolted in the
Globe and Mail. Always worry about the first review. What if my book sticks in the craw of some critic? Well, it didn't this time. Woo Hoo!

Finally, here's a reposting of 1 of the 5 blogs I did for the HarperCollins Canada website.
Write What You Know, Right?

I’ve never been hit by lightning. There, I admit it. Even though my newest book, Jolted, is all about Newton Starker, the last surviving member of a family line that has been wiped out by lightning strikes, I myself have never been hit by lightning. Sorry about that.

Writers are supposed to write what they know. We’re supposed to experience and soak up every last bit of infinitesimal detail about ... oh, let’s pick a topic ... the inner thoughts of earwigs or politicians or the influence of weevils on the Russian economy. I should have tried harder. I mean, I live in Saskatchewan, there’s lightning galore here, and you can see it from a long, long, long way off. But I’ve never been much of a storm chaser (we humans invented houses so we wouldn’t have to be out in storms, and we invented TV so that we could watch other silly humans chase storms). So, I wasn’t hit by lightning. But I did have my wife drag her feet on the carpet until she’d built up a massive static shock that nearly popped my eyeballs like popcorn. That’s as close as I’ve come.

Since I’m in a confessional mood, I should spill another bean: I have never been a pig. But I do have one in my book. A very intelligent one, in fact. I also have never ordered truffles from a company in France. But I did once have a steak with this amazing truffle butter on it. I know, I know. Truffle butter on a steak sounds odd, but it changed my life. And I could write the meal off as research (note to self—maybe talk to my accountant about that).

What I’m saying is that we writers tend to put things together piecemeal, we extrapolate from what we experience, and we MAKE THE REST UP. Well, I do. But I learned a lot about lightning along the way. Lightning delivers about 300 kilovolts of electricity in a few milliseconds. You really don’t want to experience that. I also learned that men are four times more likely to die from a lightning strike. Why? Perhaps because we don’t know when to stop that last round of golf. Or are we more likely to stand in one place and ask, “Is that getting closer or farther away?”

Art

>Eden/Lightning/Annoying your friend

>Whew! I'm home from the Eden Mills Festival. Which could also be called the Eat, Drink, and be Merry festival. In other words they fed me and the other authors (the ones whom I didn't elbow off the table) really well. And it was a wonderful experience, despite the rain. I was there to kick off my new book JOLTED and the rain and clouds were the perfect backdrop for a book about lightning. I shared the stage with my pals Kenneth Oppel and Alma Fullerton.


There they are pretending to be awake. People actually laughed at my reading (oh, the section I read was intended to be funny. They weren't laughing at me. Uh, I think). If you want to see more photos just click HERE. Lots of other writers were there including the inestimable Susan Juby, whom I did not get to hear read because she was on at the same time as me at a different stage. Acckk! Well, at least HarperCanada put me in the same ad as her:

The ad was so big I had to splice my scan of it together. Cool, ad though, eh? I mean we look ominous. Except Susan who looks friendly. She has to work on looking ominous. I like how they mention that our books are available wherever books are sold. Don't look in the alligator shops, folks! Or in the gutters (where you usually find my work)! Ah, I hope people are running into their bookstores as we speak.
And finally, have you ever wanted to annoy your friends? Well don't do this.


Cheers and all that,

Art

>4 1/2 daggers and a lightning bolt!

>Hey Megiddo's Shadow just received 4 1/2 daggers out of 5 at the 3 EVIL cousins book review blog. Long have I dreamed about a 4 1/2 daggers out of 5 review! It's a great site, check it out. And they have a cool logo, too.

Oh, and I got the entries for my listserv contest. The question was "What does it feel like to be hit by lightning?" And the winning answers were:

It feels like being tickled in the ear with an anvil.

Peter in Thunder Bay

I would say it feels like a fire, but as quick as a cricket. I think the impact would feel like you've been pushed and you lose your breath along with your sight for the second you're being hit.. But this happens so quickly I don't know if you'd feel it while you're hit xD Overall I think it'd be painful.

Billi in Toronto

Having been hit by lightning, and lived to tell the tall tale, I have to say it is the most unusual feeling. I tell people it is "terribly tingly", which of course describes it perfectly. You tingle all over, in an ALMOST good way. It is quite similar to hitting your funny bone, which ALMOST tickles. The best part (read "the ONLY good part") is how discombubulated you feel afterwards. Your joints are all loose, and you almost feel like you could float. Of course, stories of my Great Uncle Skiffington (real name), who was actually hit by lighting multiple times, lead me to believe that being struck by lightning renders you unconscious, followed by muscle aches from head to toe, and a messed up memory, temporarily. Personally, I prefer my version, tall and all.

Sarah in Regina

What's it like to be struck by lightning? Wow! That's what it's like. It's like turning into a Christmas tree, it's like morphing into your favourite meal (well done), it's like becoming ... like ... supercharged with celestial energy and then drifting away in a cloud of smoke. It's like some force in the cosmos has decided that you and only you are (just like our parents used to tell us) a very very important person. You have been selected for a very special vacation by the GALVANIC CORPORATION (one way, no refunds, speedy service). What's it like to be struck by lightning? It's like glow little glow worm, sizzle sizzle. You know that song? Why, then, sing it along with me! One and a two: glow little glow worm, sizzle sizzle./ I've got a bolt that'll wet your whizzle .... That's what it's like.

Dave in Saskatoon


Great, eh. They each won a copy of JOLTED. And they're all members of my listerv. You can join, too. Membership is free...

Art

>Get Jolted!

>Dear Citizens of Somewhere,

JOLTED? No, it's not a new pop. Or a new dance. JOLTED is my latest soon-to-be released book. To celebrate the Canadian launch of JOLTED: Newton Starker's Rules for Survival, I'm giving away a copy of the book. It's not on bookstore shelves, but I've got my copies! You could have one, too. Wow. You could read the book before anyone else (except me, and my editors, my agent, and a few reviewers, the postperson, and my wife). The book will be released to the public August 19th in Canada and March 2009 in the US. JOLTED is all about a young man who must spend his life dodging lightning. He goes to a survival school in Moose Jaw to learn how. He also has a magic pig for a friend. Doesn't everyone? Here's the cover:


All you have to do to win the book is post an answer to this skill testing question (on or before August 18th, 2008): what does it feel like to be hit by lightning? Please post your answer at my other blog address: http://arthurslade.livejournal.com/The most creative answer will win. Or else I'll have my magic pig choose the answer. Her name is Josephine, BTW.

All the best,
Art