Odd Questions that Authors Get (hilarious answers free): III

AH, more questions that authors get...with perfectly rational answers. Q: Is it okay if I come to your house and watch you write? A: Is it okay if I give the FBI your address? By the way I've moved to Antarctica. Turn left when you see the marching penguins and you'll be there. Don't worry about dressing warm.

Q: Are you sensitive to bad reviews? A: No. No. No. No. No. NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A: Oh, you're a writer? What do you do as a job? Q: Writing is easy and doesn't take much time and is really more of a hobby, so I spend the rest of my hours as a serial killer. What's your address again?

Q: What is the most fun about being a writer? A: I get to wear pajamas all day. A: My only boss is my muse. A: Playing jokes on people by naming characters after them. Like my friend Cheryl who complained that I never named any characters after her. So I invented Cheryl the Sasquatch for one of my books (true story).

Q: What is the worst thing about being a writer? A: I wear pajamas all day. Even to readings. A: My only boss is my muse but she's seven feet tall and smokes cigars and demands 20,000 words a week and bacon. How much bacon is there in the world? A: A real Sasquatch showed up one day. Her name was Cheryl. She was not happy that I turned her into a comical character. She was very good at MMSA (Mixed Martial Sasquatch Arts). I was not.

Comically yours, Art

Funny Answers to Odd Writerly Questions

20110825-104631.jpgThese are inspired by a few questions I've been asked...

Q: Arthor, I read your book DUST. Tell me the symbolism in it. I have a paper due tomorrow so I need to know now. A: I will tell you the symbolism. But first I'd like you to cut my lawn. It needs to be cut now. I'm waiting.

Q: I have an idea for a book that you should write. It's my life story. Some really interesting things happened, so far. I can't tell them to you because you might steal the ideas. I'm too busy to write it. A: I'm not busy at all! Would love to sacrifice a year of my life writing your book. Is 2071 too soon?

Q: Why does your book suck so much? A: This may seem hard to believe but writing a book that sucks takes years of work. First I take anything that is remotely interesting or exciting out of the book. Then I add all the boring characters and have them sit around doing nothing. Finally, I inject suckiness into the prose using a special method taught to me by a suckiness master. It's like becoming a kung fu master, without the exercise. Glad to know my hard work has paid off.

Q: Really, I'm not joking, what is the symbolism in your book? I need to know. I got an extension. A: My lawn still needs cutting.

Q: I have some really great ideas. How do I stop people from stealing them? A: I don't want you to feel paranoid, but I'm reading your mind right now. Those are amazing ideas. If you want to prevent others from stealing your ideas wear a tinfoil hat.

Anyone else have questions? Post them below...


Odd Questions Students Have Asked

I do a great number of school readings. And when I get to the end of my presentation I say, "Now it's time for the dreaded Q&A. You ask the questions and I'll attempt to answer, though I don't do mathematical questions." Often I get asked, "Where do you get your ideas?" "From a factory in Pennsylvania." Or "Which book that you wrote is your favourite?" "Dust...because it made the most money for me."

But here are a few of the questions that I didn't expect:

"Do you own a tractor?" From an Aussie student on Skype (I was wearing a John Deere t-shirt at the time).

"Does your wife think you're funny?" No.

"Are you in the military?" Huh?

"Did you have any friends in high school?" Sometimes.

"Do you wear briefs or boxers?" Hmmm, I think this student may have received a talking to after I was gone.

"Are you evil?" This was in a "bible belt" area school. I had just read the first chapter of DUST. "Uh, do you mean do I write horror scary type stuff?" "No...are you evil?" I actually had no answer. Other than a demonic chuckle...