I have read the first page of thousands of "HOW TO WRITE" books and have spooned and spooled my knowledge into this post. With the information provided you will go from begging the muse to toss a few ideas your way to commanding her to "pick up some java and donuts and be back in five minutes with an fully formed idea for a Hunger-Games-style trilogy." The secret to writing: cats. The Egyptians knew this. Now, thousands of years later, we have figured it out ourselves. Well, to be honest, I have figured it out for you (but I don't want to brag).
You have likely wondered why the felines lord it over us. It turns out they know everything. Everything about writing, that is. And just by watching them you will find your inner inspiration. You will break down that writing block like...like...like a kung fu kitty cat fighter (*this phrase copyright Arthur Slade forever). Reclaw your declawed imagination! Your prose won't ever need neutering: that's how good it will be in the first draft. And your characters will be within a whisker of perfection (because we all know a perfect character is boring--yes I'm looking at you Superman).
Keep reading and you will be writing like this in no time:
Remember. To become a good writer you have to read. I recommend three books a day, whether you need them or not. If three books is not possible then two books and a poem. Since we all know that one poem has the equivalent verbal density of a book and twice as much fibre.
Every novelist struggles with romantic themes and, more importantly, romantic scenes. You need to knock romance right out of the park. Examine this scene to discover the great, great secrets of writing steamy romance.
Now see the debonair grace that is the cat? That is what your writing should capture. The smouldering eyes! The raised paw of nonchalance. The longing that already appears in the woman's glance. She'll be back. Even though he's bad for her.
Are you stuck on an idea? A plot point? Can't figure out how to open your laptop? Well, there will always be moments of self doubt for writers. A cat never has these moments, of course, but being human you likely have experienced them. There is only one answer to that:
There! Remember that next time you hit a writer's block.
Characters are the foundation of stories. Your main character should always make a memorable entrance. Darth Vader didn't just come waltzing in, he burst right through a blown up wall. See below for an entrance-ing example:
Aren't fight scenes hard? Is it left thrust, right thrust, parry and jump? You can inject action into your story and make it real. Life and death. The universe hanging in the balance. See below for inspiration:
Notice the bravery of the cat despite the size of the enemy. And when he's outnumbered he pulls out another lightsaber. That's an important rule of writing. Whenever it seems your hero or heroine is about to be defeated have them pull out the equivalent of a second lightsaber and win the day. Readers eat that up like cat nip.
Oh, and remember: sometimes you have to throw bad ideas away. You can't polish a litter box. Or the stuff inside a litter box. In fact you should always think outside the litter box. Unless you're writing for kids.
Speaking of ideas. Don't use the same ideas over and over again. You'll get nowhere.
I know. I know. You need more inspiration than just one cat gif can give. Can't figure out the next thematic moment in your novel? Not sure why you wrote that 150,000 word book about talking gerbils? Don't worry, just keep digging and you'll find a way out. Or, as they say in the cat world, just hang in there.
Sometime you have to bump off one of your characters. And when it's time to channel your inner George RR Martin then this video will provide the perfect inspiration.
Listen. I am sensing this might be too much awesomeness for just one post. That your brain is a little overstimulated right now. I also know that all those "dog" people are starting to mutter things about how cat-centric this post is.
SO I'll leave you with this:
Your novel is the squirrel. Pursue it. Catch it. Consume it if you have to. And make it a part of you. You have been given the great cat wisdom. Do good with it. Write well. And keep purring.
P.S. If you chuckled...please feel free to share this post. Buttons below.